1 year and 10 days on...

been too long since i trash this blog... i guess trying to adjust to this working life is the big reason why

it's interesting how ppl change when going thru all the diff phases of life, at least for me everytime there's visible changes that i feel. i still remember first day of form 5, last year in school and SPM was the all important thing of the year and yet the one discussion that i remember from that day was my friends and i gathered in the canteen talking about 'So what now?'. Things have moved on beyond what we all might expect from then. In fairness, most of us at that time have pretty much known what is going to happen. You finish standard one you go standard two and so on. Even when moving from primary to secondary it was just moving to that building across the street. That day, we saw the incoming crossroads. There is no clear direction after finishing that year. Form 6? A levels? Local? Abroad? all sort of questions came about. Unfortunately, probably the most important one is what do you want to do? And this is the question i couldn't answer then, and not sure if i can entirely answer it now.

Back to changes, after form 5 i went college. No one i knew went there. Everyone was a new face to me, even the experience of boarding school plus co ed education was new to me. Nevertheless, that 18 months was probably the time when i lived the healthiest lifestyle ill ever have, especially since the school is in the middle of no where surrounded by greens. The time there was very enjoyable to me as i met quite a few friends during my short time, understood how to be independent and most importantly taking it easy. Good or bad times does come to an end. And it was a short 18 months there (already extended as i left and returned to the place).

Next stop was uni. Picked LSE, by fate or my carelessness i missed my cambridge interview. Do i regret that terribly? im not too sure what i missed so i cant say much about it. One thing's for sure: Everything will be different. I might turn out to be an academic had i went there. Eitherway, it's not about what i missed in my life in this post. LSE yet again was another step forward in terms of being independent. Till today, it still surprised me how i wasn't intimidated with the idea of living in a foreign country all on my own. Perhaps deep inside my heart, it was what i wanted all along. 3 years in LSE, done lots of things, know lots of people, learned lots of things (don't mean the lectures which i often missed or slept through) and experienced lots of things. However, i must admit that over the 3 years i grew more and more disillusioned and losing interest in my degree altogether. Luckily for me, even in the darkest days (blacking out in an exam hall.. i tried that) i still survive. At the end, i decided not to attend graduation ceremony. Everyone looks at me and asks why in the most astonishing way. My reply: Why should I attend?. If graduation ceremony is the defining moment of someone's life, then i may have made a mistake but in my opinion that is a very pitiful life. Life should be more than that, i hope.

After uni i joined my current job. Most would think that this is not that big a step from LSE since afterall im still in london, nothing's much changed. They cannot be more wrong than that. Word of warning to all students out there (something no one warned me): Unlike education and exams, where there is a clear definition of success, clear view on where is the finish line, clear understanding of what lies ahead, working is the total opposite, you will spend most of your career putting yourself in a dark room navigating your way by just trying everything you can. Do not misunderstand me. I love my job, its great fun everyday joking with my colleagues and learning new things.

But the same question returns to haunt me: What do i want to do? What do i hope to achieve in life? WHAT IS LIFE in the first place? i cant answer even that. Have i lost myself?? maybe im just having my midlife crisis way earlier than anybody. Hopefully, and i really really do hope so, i will discover this soon. Not too sure how long i can last as i am. Then again, that is what i always think and everytime i pulled it through.

a world of illusion, lies n hypocrites

this may get a lot of hate from ppl but we live in such a world...everyone, me included, is one way or another involved with it...

take fairness for example...almost everyone of us is saying we want to hav a fair world for everyone...no one should b excluded...everyone to hav equal chances...truth is we r lying to ourselves...there's no way there'll b a fair world...the moment we r born we r already subjected to a limited options which would b different for diff ppl...so how is tat fair...by the age of 4...a child's fate is more or less sealed...yes...there mayb one or two who is able to break through this...but there r 6 billion ppl in the world n 1 or 2 isn't exactly a significant number...there's a way out...but everyone would not agree with it either...all newborns r to b taken away from their parents...educated with a computer programme...this way...all prejudices etc will b removed...each child will b treated equally...but it wont b accepted...

there r plenty of other examples...but i should get back to my work...im now contemplating whether or not to take the risk of relying on my short term memory to get me through my exams with flying colours...the more i say it the more im not convinced i can pull through...but i might surprise myself n resort to such measures yet again...haha...